


Overexposure

by brokenchesspieces



Series: Infection [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dorian friendship, F/M, Gen, Lyrium Withdrawal, Red Lyrium, Sickness, Withdrawal, mention of vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 01:32:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3231227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenchesspieces/pseuds/brokenchesspieces
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the red lyrium in Emprise du Lion causes a bad reaction in the Inquisitor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Misery Loves Company

_Hot..._

_Cold..._

**_...Singing_**

Before this trip, Ellana was insistent that the Fallow Mire was her least favorite place to journey to for any reason, but _this_...she felt sick.

Emprise du Lion could be considered beautiful, she was certain, but the excessive quantities of red lyrium tainted it. Not only did it ruin the view, it also made Ellana certain she was going to catch her death. The heat radiating from the red lyrium would have been welcome if she was oblivious to the effects it could cause people. Though, once they wandered far enough to get away from the heat for a moment, the bitter cold was quick to seep down to their bones. Surely it wasn't healthy to put their bodies through such changes constantly and so quickly.

_And then there was the singing._

Varric hadn't lied when he told her about the red lyrium back when she first asked about it in Haven. It almost seemed like a lifetime ago. Back when all they were concerned about was closing the Breach. Back before they knew about Corypheus.

Back when life seemed just a little bit easier.

But that wasn't the point right now. The red lyrium was _singing_ and it made her stomach turn. Maybe some could find it an attractive and alluring song, maybe that was how some Templars were convinced to take it without complaint, but to her it felt wrong; she knew better. Ellana knew what it could do, what it had _already_ done to people, and to listen to it constantly as they traveled...she wasn't sure she could take much more of it.

Was she sensitive to it because she was a mage? She thought she heard somewhere that raw lyrium could kill a mage, but her thoughts were too muddled to be certain. Why couldn't she think straight? 

She had no reason to be around lyrium in her clan let alone the red lyrium in this place. That or it was just her. Yes, Varric mentioned his discomfort around the stuff, but Iron Bull seemed pleased just to be killing things, and Cassandra was keeping a straight face, so either her companions were not as effected, or they were keeping their misery to themselves. She wished they would share if they were feeling it, too.

Misery loves company, after all.

Clearing out Suledin Keep took more out of her than she expected--not that fighting ogres and a demon helped much--and she simply could not remain in this. Ellana knew there were things that still needed her attention, rifts that still needed to be sealed, but she could endure it no longer. Time away would do her good. She could have troops stay and keep people safe while she left to recuperate, but to stay any longer....

"You don't look well, boss."

She didn't doubt Bull's statement. She probably looked like something Corypheus' dragon would cough up.

"We need to...go back to Skyhold."

"There is still a lot of work to be--"

"I _know_!" she shouted, cutting Cassandra off. She felt bad about her outburst, trying to avoid needless confrontation when possible, but she just couldn't handle this any longer. "I know...."

A proper attempt to explain would have followed, but her stomach decided at that moment to finally betray her as she retched on the ground beside her. At least no one would complain about why she wanted to go back now.

  


In the time it took to return to Skyhold from Emprise du Lion, Ellana refused any and all food offered to her. Not only did she fear that it wouldn't stay down, but her appetite simply would not return. Better to not eat and have nothing to empty from her stomach when there was no hope of keeping it down in the first place. Sleep sounded much better anyway. Even when they returned all she could bring herself to do was sleep, and most left her without interruption for a few days, word traveling around her inner circle that she was unwell. The peace might have helped if her sleep wasn't plagued by nightmares of the constant singing.

_Why wouldn't the singing in her head stop?_

Jolting up with a start, Ellana found herself shivering and cold, but sweat coated her skin. Everything felt too hot and cold at the same time, she swore she was dying, and she rushed to a basin and heaved as only bile came from her unsettled and empty stomach. It wasn't until her body calmed that she curled up in a corner on the floor and cried.

When the sun finally peeked over the mountains, she was still curled in on herself, her tears long dried up, leaving her eyes red and slightly swollen. She couldn't stay like this. Someone would come looking for her sooner or later. They couldn't see her like this...not that she didn't already look a horrid mess. Her skin grew pale, and she was losing weight quickly from the stress her body was going through, and the fact that she wasn't eating.... Why was she so weak to endure this? She had to be stronger than this, not only for herself but for the rest of the Inquisition. How would they feel to see her a wreck like this? Unfortunately, this wasn't something she could just ignore or put on a cold face and banish. It honestly felt like she was dying.

And Cullen looked at her as though she might break; it was frustrating. That wasn't fair to be frustrated with him, he wasn't the only one, but it hurt more to have him see her as weak when he had his own ailments to--

_She had to talk to Cullen._

Standing up quickly caused her vision to black out for a second while she struggled to keep her balance. Ellana quickly washed up once she righted herself, hoping to look at least somewhat presentable since looking like death slightly warmed over would do no favors for morale in Skyhold.

Once dressed, she quickly made her way through the main hall, ignoring and making no eye contact with any who might wish to strike up a conversation with her. This was important. It could not wait for her to be overly polite to all who wished to stop and have a chat. Later, maybe, they could have her time, but right now she needed to speak to her Commander.

She didn't bother knocking--so few did--and noticed he was having a meeting. Ellana could only pray that it would be short.

Ten minutes passed and it seemed that the meeting was wrapping up. Everyone else filed out of the office, giving her a polite nod as they passed. She tried to return the gesture, but it only unsettled her stomach further, so she settled for a small smile, even if a bit strained. Not that she thought they would blame her. Surely they saw how much of a mess she was.

Once they were gone, she found herself struggling for the words to ask what she came to question Cullen about.

"Inquisitor."

"...Cullen."

The use of her title was a bit of an annoyance while she felt so awful and was not here for official business, but she could hardly blame him. Who knew when she would be there for actual Inquisition concerns and not a personal visit?

"You're.... Are you feeling any better?" It looked like he regretted asking the question immediately after asking it.

"Do I look that awful?" she asked, knowing that he hadn't meant it that way.

"Wh-what? No...that's not...."

"You're an awful liar, but to answer your question...not exactly, no. I have a question for you, though. Which is why I am here." How to ask such a thing? Maybe just blurting it out? "What do your withdrawal symptoms feel like exactly?"

Seeing the guarded look on his face made her wish she could take it back, but she had to know.

"Why are you asking me this?"

He wasn't happy with the question, that much she could tell, but it wasn't without cause. She tried forming the words to properly explain herself but the chills started again. Wrapping her arms around herself to try and keep her shaking under control, Ellana looked up at him with pleading eyes. "I...don't think it's entirely the same as what I'm feeling...but maybe similar...? I just wanted to know...." Pausing for a brief moment, she couldn't stop her next words. "Death would be a mercy."

Cullen quickly crossed the room and brought her into his arms. He was concerned. She caused him to worry, and she wished she hadn't, but she wasn't well. She also couldn't stop shaking. Why was it so cold?

And she heard the singing again.

Struggling to get free from his hold, she threw open the office door once she pulled away and heaved on the ground next to it. Not that there was anything there to come up anyway. Tears pricked at her eyes. Why wouldn't it stop?

"Ellana?"

A hand rested on her back, and she took in a shuddering breath before straightening herself to stand straight again. She needed to be strong. She needed to get through this. It would pass. It _had_ to pass.

"Y-yes?" she croaked.

Before saying anything else, Cullen led her back inside his office. Probably to keep people from getting overly curious about the state of the Inquisitor. Not that there weren't whispers about her health around Skyhold as it was, but most, thankfully, just assumed she caught a bad cold while out in the frigid camps before she returned to Skyhold.

"What is wrong?" he asked while turning to face her directly, his hands gently gripping her arms.

"Everything," she groaned. Though, the mage supposed that wasn't exactly helpful information. Nothing could be done if she didn't give details. "I...I can't eat, nothing stays down. Everything hurts. It gets hot then cold, then hot again, and the _singing_ won't stop," she nearly sobbed. It sounded pathetic to her own ears, but there was little she could do about that.

"Singing?"

"Varric said...th-the red lyrium...it sings...and it does.... There was so much of it, Cullen. It was _everywhere_ in Emprise du Lion, and I can't...I can't make it stop."

Once again she was embraced, his tight hold on her thankfully did not cause the same reaction as earlier. Standing there in silence, Ellana wondered if she scared him. Hell, she scared herself. Being weak like this...it wasn't something she wanted. She could take care of herself in most situations, and could be miraculously stubborn when the time called for it, but now? Now she wondered why she was the only one effected by the trip so badly, even with the others not being mages. Surely they must have had _some_ side-effects. Would she ever be able to feel better?

"Have you never been exposed to dilluted lyrium before?"

The question was quiet, but she heard him without trouble. Most would probably think it odd to ask. Who in all of Thedas who fought for their lives hadn't been exposed to a lyrium potion at one point or another? Though, she happened to be those few who hadn't. "Not...like that." It was true. There was little to no need for it among her clan. The Keeper and herself never used so much magic at once that they drained all of their power and needed more, and reaching the Fade wasn't difficult with enough concentration, so there was no use for it. "Only the small amounts I've...been around since the Conclave, once in a while a larger amount when we find a source of red lyrium to destroy, and even that is unsettling, but...not like that," she repeated. "Never like that.... And I've never used it personally."

His hold on her tightened slightly before he buried his face in her neck.

"It is...similar. What you describe and the...withdrawals. I wish you did not have to endure this."

She felt like simply existing was a struggle with the toll everything was taking on her body, but she also felt guilty that she was standing there, complaining of the pain she was going through when Cullen's own was surely far worse. How could she even think to compare the two?

"I'm sorry...you probably have it worse and--"

"Don't. Don't apologize," he demanded. "You're unwell. The differences in these symptoms...cannot be compared. Everyone's body is different and has different tolerances. You're not even used to lyrium. You were overexposed to it, and even a weak lyrium potion would likely make you briefly sick if you've never used it, but _that_.... Mages die from touching raw lyrium, but this blighted version.... I read the reports. Raw red lyrium in such quantities...but I didn't think-- _Maker_ , I _didn't_ think...."

"It's not your--"

"Do not tell me it is not my fault. Your safety is not only supposed to be my concern as a commander, but...if I were to lose you...."

"Cullen...."

This seemed to be taking a toll on him, and to argue that she should apologize for her complaints when he was often in pain would only cause him to insist that she had every right to complain about how sick she felt, so she held her tongue. Maybe it was best that he had some understanding about her situation now and understood what was wrong with her, and she now had a hint of his suffering as well.

How could he endure this pain so long and keep quiet?

She wanted to ask, but she couldn't bring herself to speak the words. Would he try to brush off giving a direct answer like he had when she asked for the details of his symptoms? If so, she would only feel guilty in asking. He would tell her when he was comfortable--if he ever was--until then all she could do was offer what support he would accept.

Ellana wanted to stand there and just hold him and be held, but she knew sooner or later someone would come looking for one of them. Reluctantly pulling away, she stared down at her hands and wrung them together. At least this way she could try hiding some of her shaking.

"You should at least try to eat, as futile as asking you to do so might be," he said while tilting her head up. "I pray that this will pass quickly for you."

He was right. It was pointless to try convincing her to eat when she was certain nothing would stay down. Why cause herself more problems? Though, maybe she could make a small compromise. "Maybe...I can manage some broth. That would be something?"

The small smile she pulled from him was worth the dread she had at following through with the suggestion. At least it would be liquid. That would be easier to deal with. She couldn't just lie about it either. Not when he looked relieved at hearing she would try.

Cullen pressed a light kiss to her forehead before guiding her toward the door.

"Go rest. I will have someone send for something for you, so you do not have to make an unnecessary trip."

"Thank you."

"You are welcome."

Feeling a little better emotionally--it was amazing what support and understanding could do for a person--Ellana started her trek back toward her room.


	2. Meddling Mages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her fellow mages are asked for help, but some seem to think acting without permission is the best course of action for the Inquisitor.

Unfortunately for Ellana, feeling better emotionally did little for her physical health. She still felt miserable, and the broth she sipped at did not manage to stay down as she feared. She found herself wishing for the pointless meetings she hated with visiting nobles if only it would make her suffering go away.

Instead she was watching the three other mages in her room frowning at each other.

"In all my years at the Circle, I've never seen someone quite react this way to lyrium," Vivienne drawled. "It is curious; though, I suppose given the circumstances, we should be grateful that this is all you are going through."

"All?" Dorian scoffed. "I find it difficult to understand how you seem to treat the situation as though she has a simple cold."

Ellana watched as Vivienne crossed her arms and directed an annoyed glance at Dorian. Apparently she didn't take too kindly to the statement.

"Of course it is more serious than that, but she is not dead. Perhaps we should take comfort in that."

Who was supposed to take comfort in that? Vivienne wasn't the one enduring this.

"Not dead," Solas stated, "but not recovering either."

Why she thought inviting her fellow mages to her room to find a solution to her problem was a good idea, she would never know. Maybe she was delirious. The three did not agree on anything on a good day, so why she thought they would this time.... Then again, she was desperate. Her body felt weaker as time went on, and Ellana was certain she pulled something the last time she was sick. Her side was in agony whenever she needed to use the muscles in her body to shift; she could only imagine the pain when she next emptied her stomach.

"Maybe I can find out more about this singing you mentioned," Solas added while looking down at her lying on her bed. "If there is a psychological cause, maybe we can find the source and put an end to all of this. Of course, we cannot rule out that there is possible vulnerability to spirits and demons after your exposure to the red lyrium."

Just what she needed. Demons and spirits were not something she was overjoyed to have brought up. Not that she felt targeted by anything from the Fade since all this started. Then again, she was so focused on her body being in agony, there was little else to think about.

"Ask Varric," she croaked, her throat sore from all the abuse her body was going through. "He was the one who mentioned it to me, back in Haven. Maybe he knows more about it...."

Vivienne then cut in. "Until then, I will have some tea sent to you. It is a personal recipe, so maybe it will soothe some of the symptoms, my dear. At the very least it will help your throat."

Ellana gave a small nod--not wanting to start an argument by declining--and watched as Vivienne and Solas frowned at each other before leaving, Solas a few steps behind Vivienne. At least with only Dorian remaining, there was little chance for arguments to spring up.

"Well, that was quite the show," he stated with a chuckle.

"No ideas of your own? No experiment you want to try on me?"

"Don't be sour. It doesn't suit you, you know."

Groaning she forced herself to sit up, trying to ignore the nausea that returned with her attempt. "It is difficult to be in a pleasant mood when I feel like this."

"If you feel half as bad as you look--"

Shooting him a glare, Ellana realized this was one of the moments where she wondered why she called him her best friend, even when she knew there was no malice behind the statement.

"I don't suggest finishing that sentence. I may have to abuse my authority to have...something bad happen."

He laughed.

"Your sass still remains, I see. Though, it seems you are severely lacking in creative threats. 'Something bad' could be cold tea or misplaced socks. I do hope a lack of thought process isn't contagious. Even our dear Commander seems unable to focus lately."

Was that so? No one was telling her anything about what was going on with anyone else since her situation was discussed among those of her inner circle. Not that she was informed about what was exactly said about that either.

"What do you mean?"

"Curious, are you? Well, I have to say winning against him in our games is a rarity, but to manage to beat him in under five minutes...I dare say the man is worried sick about you."

Cullen being worried was not news to her, but the fact that he was so distracted was concerning. He should be focused on his own health. She hadn't meant for any of this to happen. Not that she could control any part of the situation. If she could, it would have ceased long ago.

"Telling him not to worry would be pointless," she sighed.

Rubbing her forehead, Ellana hoped the buzzing noise she heard would go away. Not only was it giving her a headache, but she had come to associate it with oncoming _singing_ that churned her stomach every time.

"That it would be." Dorian paused for only a brief moment, and she noticed his expression turning serious. "In all seriousness, though.... How are you feeling?"

It was the moments when Dorian was serious that she knew joking needed to be put aside for the time being. Apparently her friend was more concerned than she originally gave him credit for. Thinking about how to answer his question, she sighed. Honestly? She felt terrible.

"Like my insides are being torn up.... I'm honestly surprised I haven't started vomiting blood. That's probably all that is left." There was no humor in her tone. She couldn't manage it even if she tried. Surely death would be preferable to this suffering.

_No._

She wasn't allowed to think like that. Cullen endured similar pain and for far longer. Even though he said not to compare their separate situations, it was hard not to. Who was she to be so weak? But that was the problem. She was weak, and she was only getting weaker as the days went on. How could she get through this? Cullen was stronger than her. She had faith that he could get through any obstacle he tried to overcome; she did not have the same faith in herself at the moment.

Luckily, her thoughts were interrupted by Dorian's voice.

"I have been looking through the books in the library, but nothing is likely to have any information about how long this could last. Not when it involves red lyrium anyway."

"What about normal lyrium?"

"...nothing much. I suspect there are some groups that wouldn't like everyone knowing secrets about the stuff. The Chantry comes to mind. The onlything I can suggest...is to wait and see what happens, as undesirable as that is."

That was an understatement; however, before she could comment, a knock at the door interrupted her and Dorian stood.

"I suspect that is the tea Vivienne promised. Five silvers says it tastes awful," he said with a hint of laughter. "Though, I suppose I should leave you to rest. You do need to recover your health. What would the Inquisition be without its Inquisitor?"

Ellana wanted to object, but not only did she lack the energy to put up a proper debate, she knew she couldn't make people stay and keep her company all day. Besides, her headache was getting worse, and vomiting in front of her friend wasn't on her list of things she wanted to do that day. She hated the pitying looks she received from people when they were around while her body rebelled against her.

"Let me know if you find anything else."

"But of course," he said while offering a small smile.

Listening to him descend the stairs, she sat there while a servant came in and replaced his company temporarily. Dorian was right, it was the tea. Offering a small thanks, she waited until the other left her room, not wanting them to see the undignified face she was worried she would make while first tasting the tea. She took a sip and frowned a bit. It wasn't absolutely horrible, but perhaps an acquired taste? However, she wasn't concerned about that for long when a pleasant numbing feeling crept up her limbs and left her eyelids feeling heavy.

What was in this?

Sipping at it a bit more, she soon set it aside for fear of dropping it and getting her bed soaked with the remaining tea. Maybe she should close her eyes for a bit....

_Dorian owed her five silvers._

  


"I don't like this."

"It's not _my_ fault. _She's_ the one who did this."

"I was simply helping."

"Yes, by drugging the Inquisitor. _Very_ helpful. And you say Tevinter mages abuse magic."

"It wasn't magic. Simply a slip of a potion to help ease her suffering."

"And yet you did so without permission."

Why was there arguing? She heard voices, but couldn't immediately pick out who was talking. Though, the fact that she couldn't even open her eyes might have something to do with it. 

Just a bit more sleep....

  


She felt disoriented and weak, but she had to get up. Her bladder had it's own agenda.

Standing took far more effort than it should have, and she swayed where she stood, but her movements were automatic that it didn't matter that her room was dark. Once she was done and washed up, Ellana braced herself against one of the posts on her bed and wondered why everything felt muddled. How long was she asleep for? Was someone there earlier? She could have sworn she heard voices, but recalling what was said was impossible, so she didn't bother trying any longer. If it was futile, it was best to just save herself the trouble.

It was cold. The fire in the fireplace was dwindling, but she doubted that she could focus enough to put a bit more life into it. She would probably set her room on fire if she tried while so disoriented. The bed was probably warm, but did she really want to lie back down?

Unaware of how long she was standing there, she wondered if there was something she was supposed to be doing. Wasn't there always work to be done?

"Ellana?"

It took a moment longer than it should have to realize she was being spoken to. Where was the voice coming from? Oh...Cullen arrived. Wait...what did he say?

When did he end up standing in front of her?

"You shouldn't be up," he sighed while supporting her weight while leading her to lie down on the bed again. Even though she was debating it earlier, it seemed she had little choice in the matter now but to lie down and rest some more. "From what I've gathered, the tea Vivienne sent you was, of course, more than what it was said to be."

"...you were here earlier...I heard you," she mumbled. Hearing his voice now triggered the memory enough to realize he was one of the people arguing.

"Did you? We thought you were asleep. Dorian, Vivienne, and I had a... _discussion_ about what she gave you. Are you alright, though? You've been asleep for most of the day and nothing would wake you."

She thought she heard concern in his tone, but being barely able to keep her own thoughts straight, she soon forgot about it.

"Tired.... Everything feels...heavy."

"Rest. Hopefully you will feel better after some more sleep."

Sleep? Hadn't she had enough of that? However, her thoughts never made it to her mouth since the moment Cullen pulled the blanket up around her, Ellana quickly drifted off once more.

  


_Emprise du Lion_

Why was she here? What was going on? It didn't help that the singing was back.

"Ah, so this is what you've been talking about."

Turning toward the voice, Ellana was momentarily confused. "Solas?"

"Yes, I was curious what sort of singing you were talking about."

"This is another dream, isn't it? Like that time in Haven? Or...not Haven. Not really."

"You would be correct," he said while nodding. "Though, I am not surprised you picked up on it so quickly this time."

As if she would be fooled twice with the same trick. It was disorienting the first time she realized she was only dreaming, but this time she was prepared. Not that she was pleased to be back in the source of all her problems at the moment. She was often suspicious of the other elf--he knew far more about the Fade and spirits than any mage even with proper training, not to mention the anchor and the Breach--but he was there to help. Suspicion would do her no good.

"Why is this necessary?" she asked while rubbing her forehead.

The singing was getting louder.

"If we are to find the cause of this problem, it would be best to go back to the source, so that is what we have done. Though, I must say it was rather fortunate for Vivienne to give you that tea. I am uncertain you would remain asleep long enough, otherwise."

She did not have the patience for this. Why was everyone meddling? Oh, right. She asked for help. That, however, did not mean her companions needed to be cryptic or slip her things that she did not give permission to. Being straight-forward would have been far more helpful, and far less annoying to find out about later.

"I would rather getting this done and over with," she sighed. "Even here the sound makes me sick."

"Yes, of course. As much as studying it here would be interesting, it would be unfair to put you through more than necessary. Come, let's walk."

How was walking supposed to help? Not bothering to voice the question, however, Ellana followed Solas' lead and began walking. The spikes of red lyrium were unsettling, even if they weren't real. This was all in her mind, wasn't it? Before she was given the chance to ask, she paused. What was Solas doing? Watching him prod the lyrium, made her stomach feel like it suddenly dropped. That wasn't helping.

The song was too loud. It needed to stop. Why wouldn't it stop?

Then he smashed it with his staff.

  


Jolting awake, she scrambled to get off the bed, dragging half of the blankets with her in the process just so she could reach a basin before her body forced her to heave. Apparently it wasn't over.

She needed to tell Solas to never do that again.

Her hands shook and she washed up once again, wondering how many times she went through the motions already. 

She was sick of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there will be one more part.... I'll definitely try not to have it go much longer.


	3. Slow Road to Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes there are no answers, but determination to get through hard times might just be enough.

Slamming his fist against the desk, Cullen glared down at the paperwork he could not focus on. Not only were his withdrawal symptoms flaring up more consistently, but he was worried about Ellana's condition. Maybe the two were connected--he didn't doubt it--but he could not bring himself to show weakness when she was struggling with her own.

_She looked so frail._

He wished she was able to eat something since that was the only way she would be able to keep up her strength, but she refused. Not without reason, he had to admit, but when he watched her sleep...she looked so small, as if touching her would cause her to break. The circles under her eyes looked like deep bruises from their coloration, and she seemed so tired in the moments when she was awake and he could spare the time to spend with her. Seeing her like that...it scared him. Normally she appeared so much stronger, and she was even a source of support for him when there was no hiding his symptoms from her.

How could this have happened?

_Wait...._

Yanking open a drawer on his desk, Cullen knew he had the report _somewhere_. Digging through reports he hadn't bothered to reread since before their retreat from Haven, he was determined to find it. The moment he located the document, he pushed aside the recent paperwork on his desk in favor of Ellana's and Dorian's accounts on what happened in the future they saw at Redcliffe. Quickly scanning the pages, he vaguely recalled something about Grand Enchanter Fiona and the red lyrium.

_There._

So...the red lyrium didn't seem to kill mages, if this future was to be believed. He guessed it should, but it was a bit difficult to wrap his mind around. Instead of killing...it corrupted. He wasn't sure which was worse.

Maybe Dorian would have answers.

Not in the best of conditions with the pain he was trying to ignore, Cullen found a messenger near his office and sent them to go find Dorian and bring him there. Besides, there was less of a chance for eavesdropping in his office compared to the library--which is where he was certain the other was.

Thankfully he did not have to wait long for the mage to arrive.

"You called, Commander? I must say, I am surprised. It isn't often I am summoned for a private discussion with you."

"This is about the Inquisitor." He wanted to make it clear that he was in no mood to deal with his sass.

"I do believe we can call her Ellana, don't you? I happen to be her best friend, and it is no secret that the two of you--"

" _Fine._ This is about Ellana."

He briefly wondered why he thought he would get any straight answers from Dorian. Though, the other seemed quite amused for a moment before looking serious.

"I have not found anything else if that is what you are wondering."

Shaking his head, he held out the report to Dorian, silently cursing the fact that his hands were not steady. "In that future the two of you saw...the Grand Enchanter had lyrium growing out of her, is that correct?"

He watched as the other's eyes widened at the recollection.

"Yes, that is true. But why would it not kill her is the question. From all we've seen so far, it is more potent than the normal stuff, at least for Templars, so why is there the trade off of death for something else?"

"Do you think it could be the corruption?" He feared the answer to such a question, but it was a question that needed to be asked. Unfortunately, it didn't seem as though Dorian had an answer for him as he shrugged.

"Perhaps Dagna would be better suited to investigating this." Dorian stated. "Then again...that lady friend of Varric's did mention something about it. Something about lyrium having the Blight, so I guess it is entirely possible."

Of course it was bad news on top of more bad news.

"Right. I read the report. Something about lyrium being a living thing?" he asked.

"Glad your not taking it anymore knowing that, I bet?"

It was unsettling to know lyrium was alive somehow, and it certainly was something to keep in mind if he was ever tempted to take it again, but Dorian was right. He was somewhat grateful to no longer be taking it. What else did they not tell Templars about lyrium?

"So," the other started, "we have a sick little mage on our hands and no closer to finding a solution? Because as I see it, this information is good to know, but it isn't exactly helpful. The others with her are certain she never touched the stuff, and even before when near it she never reacted like this, so unless it could be airborne --which I doubt since many more would have similar reactions, I'm sure-- _why_ is this happening?"

"If only I knew...."

  


Days passed and Ellana found herself eating small amounts of food at times in an attempt to keep up what strength she had remaining. Though, mostly it was when Cullen would look at her as if he were some sort of sad puppy--not that he seemed aware of what he was doing--or when Dorian would pester her long enough that she simply gave in to his requests. Little stayed down, however. To no one's surprise.

Vivienne and Solas visted, albeit separately, to apologize for their less than ideal attempts to help. Well, she took what Vivienne said as an apology, but even now she couldn't be certain what the woman really was trying to say about the situation. Though, she had to admit, either she was slowly recovering, or she was simply getting used to it by now. One thing was for certain, though. She could not stay in her room any longer. Being stuck there so long was beyond boring.

Getting properly dressed took her longer than it normally would have with unsteady hands fumbling with her clothes, but she managed well enough on her own. Picking at the fabric that hung loosely on her frame, she found herself annoyed at her now ill-fitted wardrobe. It made it obvious that her health was delicate. There was no time to lie around and do nothing, even if she wanted to despite this. Rifts still needed closed and people needed help from the Inquisition. Eventually she needed to just deal with her body's suffering if it went on much longer.

She quietly made her way to the gardens. With no one expecting her to make an appearance, it was easy to slip by those in the main hall since they were all caught up in their own conversations among themselves. Once she reached her destination, Ellana wandered over to an empty bench, grateful that the gardens happened to be mostly vacant for the moment. She sat down and closed her eyes. It was relaxing to have the plants around her instead of only stone.

Maybe she should go help with something simple in the Emerald Graves once she was certain she could make the trip.

Her head dipped slightly, and she realized she almost fell asleep where she sat. Hopefully no one noticed that. Even if they had, she doubted any would maliciously comment. If they did, she was certain Leliana would know before she would.

"So it is true."

Opening her eyes and looking up at Cullen, she wondered who managed to tell on her already.

"Varric saw you sneak through the main hall."

"Of course he did." She shouldn't be surprised, he was rather observant, but she wondered why he would bother going out of his way to tell Cullen her whereabouts.

"I was going to check on you," he stated, as if knowing what was going through her mind.

"Then that makes sense. Would you like to sit down?"

She smiled happily when he took the place beside her on the bench. At least it didn't seem like he would herd her back to her quarters just yet, and she could spend some time with him until then. It wasn't often, even before all this started, that they could have a few moments together outside of his office or her room. And it wasn't like they could stop any gossip that happened. People were going to talk regardless of what they said. Luckily if anything too scandalous was said, they didn't hear about it. Perhaps people knew better than to anger the Commander and Inquisitor. Not that she would do anything, but Cullen could be intimidating.

While such thoughts were far from what was going on in that moment, she was grateful for the distraction from feeling unwell. Though, that might be putting it lightly.

"Are you feeling better?" 

Focusing her attention on him, rather than her own thoughts, Ellana remained silent for a moment. Part of her would say yes, but another wasn't so sure. Would she be jinxing her luck by thinking it really was starting to pass?

"A little, I suppose. That or I'm just getting used to it. I am uncertain." It probably wasn't the answer he was hoping for, but there was little point in lying or not stating the full truth. He was bound to find out sooner or later if she tried. "And you? Are you doing well today?" She didn't dare ask about his condition overall since she knew he would want to shield her from the fact he was having more bad days lately. Ellana knew thanks to Dorian and Cassandra in the rare moments she saw the woman since all this started. She felt guilty for it, his worrying probably wasn't helping, but there was nothing she could do about it other than hope it would soon pass.

"Just a headache for the moment, nothing too serious."

Nodding, she realized he often had headaches, good day or not. Maybe she could mix up something with the plants in the garden to help ease that pain a little. Nothing like Vivienne's concoction, but perhaps there was a way to help. For now, however, that would have to wait. There was no need to prematurely end the few moments of peace they had.

They sat there in silence for a few more minutes. She was grateful that they had this opportunity.

"...I really should get back to my duties. Would you like me to escort you back to your room before I return to my office?"

The question made her appreciate having Cullen in her life. He was kind and considerate, and she couldn't ask for anyone better. 

"I would like that. If I sit out here much longer, I might have a hard time getting there on my own." She meant it as a sort of joke, but she also knew it was likely true. Who knew what her body would allow later when she needed to return if she was on her own. Though, she noticed a bit of concern return to his eyes, making her regret her choice of words.

He stood and waited for her to do the same. She stumbled slightly, her balance failing her, causing him to reach out and steady her. Waving his hand away once she stood up straight, Ellana refused to use him for support if she could manage on her own. 

"I'm okay. It just took a moment to catch my balance."

"Are you certain?"

Offering a smile, she took his hand in hers. She may not want to be helped when she could walk on her own, but maybe it would ease his concern to have some sort of hold on her if it would happen again. Besides, she certainly didn't mind holding his hand. Even if some would stare while he led her back to her quarters. 

"I am. Lead the way, Commander."

Seeing the small smile and slight blush appear on his face, Ellana found herself pleased.

"As you wish, _Inquisitor_."

  


A few people attempted to stop them in the main hall to talk as it was hard to miss them, but they managed to get away without any lengthy conversations starting. And despite her insistence that she could manage on her own, Cullen made certain she made it up the stairs while offering as much support as she would allow. It was hard to deny his help when she knew he was worried.

Once they managed the stairs, she glanced down at their hands and figured she should let him get back to work. He already spent time with her, and just because she wasn't well didn't mean the rest of the Inquisition could stop working as well. Loosening her grip, she was confused when Cullen's tightened. At least she was until he brought her hand up to kiss it. That was unexpected.

"May I ask what that was for?" she questioned, a slight stain of pink crossing her cheeks. "Not that I'm complaining."

The smug grin on his face was enough to make her wonder if he was just trying to catch her by surprise.

"To remind you that I adore you."

"Even when I am a mess?" she asked with a hint of laughter. 

"Even then," he chuckled. 

It was nice to have a light-hearted moment when lately it was only worry and pain for the two of them. A moment later she found herself pulled close and held tightly. 

"It was good to see you feeling well enough to walk around today," Cullen admitted.

"And it was good to see you doing better, as well. Though, you don't have to worry about me. I'll recover."

She knew that she couldn't be certain about that, and she was certain Cullen was also aware, but he said nothing to dispute what she said. Maybe he needed to believe it just as much as she did.

"I could say the same to you," he countered.

"It appears neither of us will win this debate," Ellana whispered before pulling back. "Didn't you have work to do?"

He hesitated for a moment before releasing his hold on her and sighing.

"You are correct. There are things that I cannot delay past today. I will check on you when I am finished, however. That is...if you don't mind."

"I don't mind, Cullen. I cannot guarantee that I'll be awake, but you are always welcome to visit," she admitted. His presence was a relief to have, even if he wasn't aware of it.

"Until later then."

She watched him as he departed, only moving away from where she stood once the door was shut and she could no longer hear his footsteps. 

Maybe the _whys_ didn't matter. Sometimes there were no straight answers that could be found. Maybe all this started by chance. She would keep it in mind and take more precautions when they found themselves near red lyrium, but with no way of knowing how it started for certain, there was little they could do. They couldn't simply test it on anyone, and Ellana was not about to volunteer herself to being directly exposed to the stuff to repeat what she had been through. But it did open her eyes to what Cullen's suffering was like. It broke her heart to know he had been dealing with similar things for longer, and would continue to suffer through them once her own symptoms finally faded, but maybe she could find a way to help. If there was a way, she would do all in her power to find out how, but first she needed to get better.

It was going to be exhausting to start getting back to her responsibilities, and even if her body fought her every step of the way, she was determined to beat this. She would get through this. 

_They_ would get through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at the end. Even if open-ended. Trust me, I would have ruined it more if I kept going.
> 
> This chapter was only lightly edited and not read by a beta.  
> I apologize for any mistakes.


End file.
